VERY brave man jokes

how do you turn a fox into an elephant?
marry it!

what is the difference between a battery and a woman?
a battery has a positive side.

what are the three fastest means of communication?
1) television, 2) telephone, 3) telawoman

how are fat girls and mopeds alike?
they're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

what should you give a woman who has everything?
a man to show her how to work it.

why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist?
because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

how do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
put a nipple on it.

why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
because they dont have balls to scratch.

why did god create woman?
to carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

why do women fake orgasms?
because they think men care.

what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing, shes been told twice already.

if your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
made her chain too long.

how many men does it take to open a beer?
none. it should be opened when she brings it.

why is a laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

why do women have smaller feet than men?
its one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
when she starts a sentence with 'a man once told me...'

how do you fix a womans watch?
you dont. there is a clock on the oven.

why do men pass gas more than women?
because women cant shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

if your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
the dog, of course. he'll shut up once you let him in.

whats worse than a male chauvinist pig?
a woman who wont do what shes told.

i married a miss right.
i just didnt know her first name was always.

scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
its called a wedding cake.

why do men die before their wives?
they want to.