scouse jokes

a primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a liverpool fan. she asks her students to raise their hands if they too are liverpool fans. everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

the teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"because i'm not a liverpool fan," she replied.

the teacher, still shocked, asked, "well, if you are not a liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"i am a man united fan, and proud of it," mary replied.

the teacher could not believe her ears. "mary, why, pray tell, are you a man united fan?"

"because my mum is a man united fan, and my dad is a man united fan, so i'm a man united fan too!"

"well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a man united fan. you don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"then," mary smiled, "i'd be a liverpool fan."


an australian, an irishman and a scouser are in a bar in birkenhead. they're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. he's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. they stare and stare, until suddenly the irishman twigs: "my god, it's jesus!"

sure enough, it is jesus, nursing a pint. thrilled, they send him over a pint of guinness, a pint of fosters and a pint of bitter.

jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. after he's finished the drinks, jesus approaches the trio.

he reaches for the hand of the irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the guinness. when he lets go, the irishman gives a cry of amazement: "my god! the arthritis i've had for 30 years is gone. it's a miracle!"

jesus then shakes the aussies hand, thanking him for the lager. as he lets go, the mans eyes widen in shock. "strewth mate, the bad back i've had all my life is completely gone! it's a miracle."

jesus then approaches the scouser who says, "back off, mate, i'm on disability benefit."


a scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "hi, i'm looking for a job".

the man behind the counter replied "your timing is amazing. we've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. you'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes and wear the uniform provided. the hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. you also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. the salary package is 200,000 a year".

the scouser said "you're bullshitting me!"

the man behind the counter said "well you started it!"


police cordoned off liverpool city centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

it later turned out to be a tax disc.